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sometimes
“sometimes, i feel like giving up
sometimes, i want to just run
sometimes, i have to pick myself up
when i’m stuck in a rut, i turn to your love”
It’s been about two and half years since I moved to Houston, Texas. It’s been a great experience, and I know that God has called me and brought me to this great city. I’ve always lived by this saying, “Keep doing what you’re doing until God moves you on to something else,” so after spending a year and a half in Raton after college, I felt God directing my path towards Houston. Now, let me clarify that saying before I go on. God has to be the center point of your life in order for that to work. If you don’t have that personal relationship with God, then you will never know if God has you where you are, doing what you’re doing, or if you are out of His will.
Well, I ended up moving to Houston with my sister and we knew pretty much no one here. All we had was a number to the Victory Outreach church and a number to a friend I had known my freshman year in college. We were a couple of small town kids moving to the big city. We came in my truck kinda like “The Beverly Hillbillies”. My sister rode in the back in her rocking chair with her shotgun. Nah, just kidding, but that would be pretty scary, my sister with a gun. Seriously though, we grew up in a small town of less than 10,000 people, so it was a huge step moving to the fourth largest city in the U.S.
After my sister graduated from college, she got a job in Houston at a huge accounting firm, so that is why she was moving to Houston. That summer God put it in my heart to move with her, so I just took that leap of faith and moved. God has always provided for me and I thank Him for an understanding sister because the next year or so was a hard experience. It was the end of August, 2001 and we drove into a rain drenched Houston. For the next week or so all it did was rain. One good thing about it is that I now have a better understanding of how Noah felt in his ark. We moved into our apartment and started settling in. Before moving, I prayed that God would help me get started right away when I got to Houston. I didn’t want to be out of work like I was when I moved back to Raton. I wanted to go straight into something, but things don’t always go the way you plan them to go. God has a way of testing your faith, and test my faith He did.
I woke up that morning in September excited because the new P.O.D. CD, “Satellite” was coming out. I was headed to Best Buy to pick it up. My sister had just started her new job, so she took off early that morning to go to work. On the way to Best Buy I was listening to a Christian radio station and one of the hosts said, “Let’s pray for those people over in New York.” Something didn’t feel right that day, but I didn’t really pay it much attention. It wasn’t until I got home later that I turned on the TV and found out what had happened.
September 11, 2001 changed the world around us. I remember watching the news in shock. I couldn’t believe what was happening. My sister was working in one of the tallest buildings in Houston at the time, so naturally I began to worry about her. She ended up coming home early that day, but things had changed. The world froze. I was glued to the television set as I could only watch. I wanted to do something, to help in some way, but all I could do was pray.
For the next week or so life around me seemed crazy. My plan had been to start job searching that week, but it seemed that the job market died instantly after 9/11. Well, partially it was because of that, but another part of it was that I didn’t want to take just any job. I had gone to college for four years so I wasn’t about to just get a job at McDonald’s. I don’t know how many applications I filled out, thousands upon thousands it seemed, but nothing came through. You have no idea how many interviews I went on. I started getting down on myself and feeling like a failure. Why couldn’t I get a job?
It was almost a year later, and I just felt like giving up. I had no where else to go. Over this time I had done some odd jobs to make a few dollars, but I wasn’t happy and there started to be tension between me and my sister. She was about ready to kick me out. I had no where to go. Once again I found myself in the same place that I had been in Raton, lost, confused, undecided about my future. At that point I just felt like giving up. I couldn’t go on living a life without purpose. It seemed like everything I had put my hand to ended up failing, so I started planning on maybe moving back home to Raton or maybe to Albuquerque with my brother Gabe. I really had no clue what to do, but I knew that I couldn’t just stay where I was at. Maybe I had made a mistake moving to Houston. Maybe I had heard God wrong. These doubts started filling my mind and I began to question my faith in Him.
“sometimes, i feel like giving up
sometimes, i want to just run
sometimes, i have to pick myself up
when i’m stuck in a rut, i turn to Your love
there was a day, when i, didn’t know which way to go
i couldn’t see, thru the fog, thru the rain and thru the snow
everything, collapsed, and came against my flow
it took all of my strength to hold on and not let go
i gripped tight, to the faith, i had inside
i had to fight, for my life, with all my might
it turns out, all along, You were by my side
there to catch my tears, dry my eyes every time i cried
i’m not gonna lie to you, i still struggle, i still hurt
i have insecurities, and still deal with self-worth
i get so down on myself that i feel like less than dirt
but i know my Father still loves me with all His heart
i may not be perfect but i’m pushing on towards that mark
trying to serve Him, with everything, with all i’ve got
and though seasons change, the days fade, the nights grows dark
i know when tomorrow comes, He’s gonna give me a brand new start”
I wrote that song above about that certain time in my life. I started praying more and more and really putting my trust back in God instead of my talents and my skills. I had to once again surrender my will to Him so that He could begin to use me like He wanted to use me, instead of how I thought He wanted to use me. Instead of giving up and throwing in the towel and moving somewhere else, I began to put my trust in Him again. I gripped tight to that faith that I always had in Him. It was then that I finally got my breakthrough. Doors started opening left and right and I ended up getting a good job working for a newspaper.
God began to show me that this wasn’t just about a job or finding work. It was about my trust in Him. After so many weeks and months of trying to do things my own way, it wasn’t until I really began trusting Him that He opened the doors for me. When I moved to Houston, I came because I knew that He had told me to go. When I got here though, and things didn’t go the way I had planned, I started doubting that calling in my life. Maybe God hadn’t called me to write or do music. Maybe I should be in a different profession. I could be making more money as a doctor, lawyer or accountant. It would certainly be easier to find a job. In the midst of all my doubt though, He was working behind the scenes to get me to where I am today.
Looking back on life, all the struggles, all the pain and all the hard times in the end turned out to make me a stronger person. I found that without pain there is no joy. Without hurt there is no happiness. Without suffering there is no redemption. Whatever you’re going through right now, just know that there’s a reason you’re going through it. God loves you so much and only wants what’s best for you. Put your trust in Him and things will work out. Even though the seasons may change, the days may fade, the nights may grow dark, just know that when tomorrow comes He’s gonna give you a brand new start. Although sorrow may last for a night, remember joy comes in the morning.
Before I go, I wanted to thank you all on behalf of puthimfirst.com. We really appreciate all of you who click on our sponsors and hit up the boards. Much love goes to the man behind all of this, Mista Gabe Duran. He puts in hours and hours and hours and then even more hours each week to keep the site rolling. Continue to be blessed and continue to “Put Him First” in your life.
Hit me up at geno@puthimfirst.com
Sayonara, Adios and Goodbye,
geno duran
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